Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
