Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
