Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
whose parrot is this?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
