I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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