I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
