He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
