at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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