im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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