Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
