i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
