I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
