What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
