I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
