I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
