so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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