I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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