I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is it because I queefed?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
