my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
