you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's shark week go big or go home
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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