I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
