The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
