see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she peed on how many people?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
