I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
