he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
