Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
