Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
