Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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