i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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