my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
