I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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