My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
