Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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