mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
