the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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