Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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