Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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