dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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