They should really pass out barf bags in church
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
