I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
