end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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