I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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