I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
