her facebook's as public as her vagina
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
not ubering you a puppy
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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