I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I would fuck him just for his dog
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
