I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
