The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
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I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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