Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Drake has all the answers
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
