hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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