He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
