My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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