I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
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working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
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Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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