If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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