I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
