His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
