true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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