just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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