My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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