A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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